Happy tears.

    This certainly isn't the most attractive of photographs. Or the most flattering. But it's still one of the best that I've taken in a while. Because today something wonderful happened.
  I rolled out of bed this morning, reluctantly, but I managed; and I got dressed for the day. Then I left the house having to go to the store to pick up the stuff I forgot to buy yesterday.
  Stepping outside the first thing I noticed was how amazing it felt. It was sunny. And warm. But not nearly as humid as what it has been recently, so I was off to a good start.
   I walked to the store for once without music blaring in my ears because none of my earbuds would work. Then I crunched some leaves and kicked some rocks before arriving at my destination. I approved my time, bought what I needed, and got out pretty quickly.
   And then, as I was walking through the parking lot to head home a car drove past me. I heard someone yelling "Stop stop. Let me out!" And I looked up to see my niece, that I haven't seen in three years because of the fight with my family, running towards me. Quickly she wrapped me in a hug and she kissed my cheek.  I can't believe how big she's gotten. Or that she's a teenager now. Last time I saw her everything was so different.  And it has been a big fear of mine. That she wouldn't understand what happened or why I was suddenly not in her life anymore. I have had this fear that she would hate me, a product of her family talking bad about me. Something that I know they still do. But today I was given a gift. A gift of knowing that isn't the case. It was so good to see the kid again. I have really missed her.  Then she had to go. And so did I. Which was sad. But as I walked home I started to cry. Tears of joy. For the first time in, I think ever. Right away I texted my best friend to tell her what happened. And by the time I got home, my mascara was streaked all down my face. My cheeks were salty. And none of that mattered. This was a moment that I really needed. And I will treasure it always.
 

9-8-18

 On this day, I woke up nervously excited. But oddly, my anxiety was no where to be found.  Maybe because even it understood on some level that today wasn't about me. It was about my best friend, getting a new best friend.   Congrats Manda and K. I wish you  all the best on this new adventure...

   

Truth... (revised)

      

     There will always be days when you feel like this. Like you are drowning. And like people don't really like you, they only tolerate your existence. But always remember, those days don't last. Eventually, life goes on. 
    And I know it is hard, believe me I know. But it really is important to not let these irrational feelings hold you back in life. Stop pushing people away. Let them in, at least a little.
    If there is a movie you want to go see. Go SEE it. Don't worry about the crowds of people. Just get your popcorn and enjoy yourself. Give yourself permission to be exactly who you are. Because there is nothing wrong with you. Sure, some people won't like you. But some will love you, for exactly who you are. Let them.      And allow yourself to just BE.
  To be happy. Whatever makes you that way. To be loved (seriously he might actually be a good guy. Give it a chance.)(Actually don't because apparently the guy you've been talking to for 4 months never actually remembered to break up with his "EX" ) To be funny, or not be. Whichever. Both are OK. You are OK. Everything is going to be OK.  So take a risk. Go to the place you always wanted but stopped yourself for whatever reason. Call him! Sing in public. Grow. Evolve. Learn. Become the you-est you that you could ever be!!!

Adulting

A couple weeks ago I decided to do the responsible adult thing and made a dentist appointment to get a tooth that has been bothering me taken care of. And in a strange twist of events, I actually showed up to the appointment. Which is not what I usually do in a situation like this. So I'm in the waiting room trying to not have a panic attack because I hate the dentist. I mean I know no one likes the dentist, but I really hate it. So I'm texting the bestie for moral support. I'm tapping my leg against the side of the chair because I can't reach the floor. And I'm waiting and waiting.
Then I hear my name. So I tell myself to suck it up and I stand. I follow the dental assistant back to the little room with the chair of doom in the middle of it. I place my purse in the corner and follow her to the room where they do x-rays. Fine no big deal. Just taking pictures of my teeth. Right? Well, I heard the beeping of the machine and was immediately reminded of what it was like being stuck in the hospital three years ago. So, stress central. But I made it.
I followed her back to the main room and it was time for me to sit in the chair. Then she put the little bib around my neck and I'm sitting there thinking "this is really happening. I'm actually going through with this." Then she leaves the room and I am alone. I am looking out the window trying to focus on the birds in the tree that I could see. I am squeezing the bejesus out of the side of the chair. And I'm saying to myself "the worst part is the shot after that it is all fine." And it isn't that I'm afraid of shots or needles because I'm really not. It's just that that is what I've always been told. "The shot is the worst part then you don't feel anything." Okay fine. I can do this I remind myself.
Then the dentist enters the room. She does the usual open your mouth bit. She pokes around a little. And tells me that it needs pulling. Well, that's what I came in for so I'm not really surprised by that. Then she pulls out the needle. All I can think is "this is it, the worst part." So she sticks me and, honestly I didn't really feel much at all. So now I have a false sense of security because what I've always been told is the worst part is now over and it wasn't that bad.
Now out come other tools. But I'm not afraid because the multiple shots, I think she gave me 5 or 6, are over. She goes in and spoiler alert, the shots were NOT the worst part. She's pushing and pulling and prying. I'm hearing cracking, the sound of her breaking my tooth, and feeling a lot of pressure. It is really unpleasant, to say the least. And then she stops.
I'm thinking "is it done? Was that it? Is it over?" No, she just needed a break. Then she gets right back in there. Again cracking noises and pressure then she tells me "okay here goes" and she finally forces the tooth out of my mouth. Her assistant is shoving gauze in my mouth and she is showing me the tooth. Still covered in my blood. And saying "those are some of the longest roots I've ever seen on someone your size.
Great, I think but don't say. Is that why it feels like you pulled out part of my brain with that tooth because it feels like you might have. Again I thought it, I didn't say it. And she leaves the room. That was the last I saw of her.
Explaining aftercare and all of that fun stuff was left to the dental assistant. I was told that my gums might be bruised or swollen for up to a week. But that's normal and not to worry about it. Then I was allowed to leave. That was last Tuesday.
And on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I was swollen and sore and bruised. But I didn't think much of it because I had been told that would probably happen.
Then at about 2 am on Saturday I woke up in the worst pain. And let's remember, I was walking down the sidewalk and got hit by a jeep. Was in the hospital for a week and almost died. What I'm trying to say is, I know pain. And this was really bad. But I realized that it wasn't my mouth that hurt, it was my face. So at that point, I was starting to think I might have gotten an infection. Of course, it's the weekend so Hopewell isn't open. So I just have to suffer from a swollen face, like seriously huge, and pain so bad I can barely talk. All weekend. I even got sent home from work on Sunday because the pain was so bad.
First thing Monday morning I got up and went to the doctor. They took one look at my face and knew I needed to be seen. Within a few minutes, I was back with the doctor( dentist James wasn't in that day, lucky for her cause I wanted to yell) so my regular doctor was going to check it. I was written a prescription for an antibiotic and told to take whatever for the pain. Then I was advised that it would help but probably not much in the first twenty-four hours cause it has to work its way through my system. Great.
So I leave and go to the pharmacy. Then head home. Thinking that soon this pain will be over. Well now it's Wednesday and my face is still swollen and it still hurts. It's been over a week now since this started and it still sucks. I went back to work yesterday and barely made it through a four-hour shift. Today I am trying to take it easy because tomorrow I am scheduled for an open to close shift and I have no idea if I'm gonna be able to do it. Because I am still in pain.
Moral(s) of the story: The dentist in town sucks at her job, I didn't know it wasn't normal to not be prescribed antibiotics with tooth extraction, I've never had it done before. But apparently, most dentists do it. AND being a responsible adult sucks and I don't like it anymore.