Another day

 Another day that I spend pacing the floor. Walking from one room to another and back. Again. And again. And again.  I have to keep moving. So that maybe exhaustion will claim me at some point. I have already cleaned the house. I vacuumed the floors while tears ran down my face. Because they told me to clean the house. Make it pretty so they can sell it. I don't want them to sell it. But still, I did what was asked of me. Because everyone else's wants are always more important than my own.  My glasses are still foggy. Covered in the salt of yesterday. I don't want to do this anymore. Feel like this. Be here. Be me.  Even my cats don't cheer me up anymore. They are cute. Someone would take care of them. I know that. But I can't do anything about any of this. Because of one stupid theory.  The driver's test theory. That says when you take your driver's test you have to finish it, no matter how hard.  If  you don't finish, if you leave early, if you quit. You don't pass. And you have to retake the test. What if life is the same?  If you quit and leave before you've finished you just get reincarnated back into the same version of the test. You have to try again .  Sometimes that is all that stops me. I am not doing this shit again .

day 2

 Of having severe anxiety. Actually, it's probably more like day 4 but I  am pretty good at pushing it to the back of my mind until it explodes all over me. Which is what happened yesterday. I was fidgety all day at work. Couldn't standstill. Couldn't concentrate. Felt like I might break down sobbing at any moment. I paced back and forth down aisles. And when my shift was finally over I was relieved. I thought I can go home and rest and feel better. No. What actually happened is I came home and when I was peeing, I started sobbing. I could not control it. The anxiety was breaking free. I finished up in the bathroom and went straight to bed. I went through an entire roll of TP (I didn't have any Tissue,  so I used it to wipe my tears and blow my nose.) I spent four hours laying on my side with tears running down my face and texting my best friend who was doing her best to reassure me that everything would be okay. My cats were crawling on me trying to help. And I was losing it completely. Eventually, I managed to fall into a restless sleep. I was hoping when I woke up today it would have run its course. It has not. My eyes are puffy and swollen from last night. I've tried to eat but only managed to force down a few bites. ( which is rare for me. Everyone who knows me knows I can eat!) And my hands have not stopped shaking. I'm terrified of I don't know what. And my brain has convinced me that my world is coming down around me. Everything feels so. HARD. Right now. Showering was a struggle. Getting dressed was a challenge. But I had to do it because my cats have a vet appointment. Which also is wreaking havoc on me. I have my cats to help with my anxiety so for them to not be here tonight really stresses me out. Logically I know they will be fine. I have a great vet and its a normal procedure both are getting spayed. But I am beside myself and wanting to cry again. But I can't because I'm afraid I won't stop. For anyone who thinks anxiety isn't a big deal. You can suck it. My chest hurts. I can't pull in a decent breath and I literally feel like I am dying. I know that I am not. But this is the worst. And everyone has been sending me kind words of support. And that helps, it really does even if right now, at this moment it doesn't feel like it is helping. I know I will look back later and see that it did. So thank you to all of you.

 

5 year jeep day anniversary

Five years ago today I almost died. But I didn't. And sometimes I've questioned why then today I had a realization. There is so much stuff I would have missed out on. I never would have been to an NKOTB concert ( let alone two). I never would have touched Joe Mac's hand. Three books would never have been written. Some friends would not have been made. Some tattoos would not have been gotten. I would not have seen bridal parties and weddings. Spiders never would have been held. And the list goes on. So to celebrate I am going to go get some pizza and I want all of you to celebrate something too. Whatever you want. HAPPY JEEP DAY! Now for your viewing pleasure... memory pics that never would have happened

growth spurt

 Recently I've gone through a growth spurt. And I'm not talking the, I'm 32 and can finally reach the top shelf in my kitchen without sitting on the sink, type of growth spurt. I mean the other kind. The much more painful, EMOTIONAL kind. It started a couple of weeks ago. My depression was at the lowest its ever been. My anxiety was off the charts (there's a fun mix ). And I was just, done. I was drained. I didn't want to go to work, I was fighting with a co-worker which did not help the situation at all. I didn't want to talk to or see, anyone. I wanted to be left alone in my misery. And then, my cat got sick. My poor little Furrball. I had her for 11 years because I got her right around the same time as when my dad passed away. Anyway, I tried everything to make her feel better. Spent tons of money on special food to try to get her to eat. I took her to the vet and was told possibly her kidneys were the problem but before they did all of the testings for that that I would have to give her meds and IVs. We got through the weekend together and back to the vet on Monday. She had not gotten any better so after weeks of trying to make her comfortable and three days straight of me crying into her fur I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I had to let my baby go to sleep for the last time. I was able to hold her and rock her and rub her little head until she finally closed her eyes. It was one of the worst days I've ever had. And I cried for days after. The timing of it all seemed so unfair and I didn't know how I was supposed to go on with my life. But I did. I"m still far from healed but I'm improving every day. And I've come to really appreciate my friends. Sometimes we fight, but they do want what is best for me. So now, I'm taking everything one day at a time so that I don't become so overwhelmed.  And I count my blessings that I still have my Chi cat. Then today I went and got some ink therapy.  On my way home I realized that this was the first tattoo that I've ever gotten by myself. And that too was growth.

New kids

   

THE second NKOTB concert is in the books! And it was a process. An eight-month-long
journey (that's right, we had to get  tickets for our June concert, in October in order to have the seats we had.) But it was all worth it.........  GONNA FINISH THIS POST LATER I PROMISE JUST WANTED TO GET A START ON IT!














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4th Jeep Day!

It's been four years since I almost died, and now I can't help but think of how different everything would be if I had. Hopefully, someone would have my cats and love them(seriously if one of yall didn't take my babies I'd be haunting the you know what out of all of you). Someone else would be saying hello whenever the bell rings at work. The walls in my apartment could be painted boring white because someone else would be living here. I'd at this point just be a smart-mouthed memory for most of you. Talked about on this day as you clocked in for work. Or just went about your day. I never would have been to my first (or second coming up) new kids concert. Some of you I never would have ever met. I wouldn't have gotten to go to weddings and bridal parties. I would have missed Ruths very "special" birthday party. So much would have been different. But I am glad I stayed. And today I am celebrating with friend(s?) food and tattoos. HAPPY JEEP DAY! Everyone. (p.s. first time trying Japanese food went well, it was so good!)